Tuesday, February 09, 2010

When hope is lost...

So God's been doing a work in us around here lately, especially me. You're all familiar with our current situation - Hubby having been laid off the fire department December 28th, and we still have no full time job or insurance, now, for that matter. He's working as many hours as he can get at what was his second job, doing ambulance transports. But his time is limited between their scheduling allowance and between all the tests/interviews he's doing while going through the process to get on another local fire dept., and a new career choice he's investigating.

Sunday, to make matters worse, his transmission on his truck broke and left him stranded down the road. My parents had to tow him home, and a friend helped him get to the mechanic yesterday. Not to mention his mom, in the nursing home, is needing more $ for things that we don't have to give.

Money is not running thin, it's running OUT. Yet we haven't missed a bill yet. God is providing in miraculous, creative ways...yet I still struggle. Yesterday was rough. Hubby was sick, Little Miss has had diarrhea diapers for the last 3 days off and on, and I was coming down with a scratchy throat. I was tired. I was running out of hope. I was avoiding paying the bills because I didn't want to see our meager checking account drain. While I know that His timing is perfect, and I have nothing to fear, I felt insecure. Yesterday was a down day. I posted on Facebook that I needed a miracle. We were in bad shape, financially, emotionally, physically - I cried almost all day. I was just DONE. Ever been there?

I couldn't pray without crying. I couldn't talk to my parents without crying. I just dragged around, taking care of my daughter and forcing my husband to go to the doctor to get a shot and medicine even though we can't afford to pay the doctor bill when it comes in...and cried some more. Everything was piling up in my head, and in my heart, and while I knew that God had come through time and time again, a little tiny part of me was scared He would stop. I felt that we'd already received so many blessings, why should He give us ANOTHER miracle? He's already used so many amazing people and circumstances in our lives to make ends meet lately, why should He do it AGAIN when other people continue to suffer? It didn't seem fair. I don't deserve special treatment. So while part of me trusted He'd provide again, the other part of me, the part listening to the devil instead of to my Lord, said He might not.

I've been reading through the New Testament this year, and I read in Mark the other day about the man who needed Jesus to heal his daughter. When Jesus questioned his faith, the man's words were "I believe, help my unbelief." He had faith. But he knew he needed more. So that was my prayer all day long yesterday. "I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief."

Then the phone rang. It was my dad, telling me my grandma was right there and wanted to talk to me. I put on my happy voice. "Hey Mammaw".

"How you doing honey?"

"We're hanging in there." My voice is cracking by now.

"I understand there's a black cloud of doom over your house lately."

Tight throat. "Yes ma'am."

"Well, honey, your grandfather and I are sending you a check."

I bawled like a baby. God came through. Again. Despite my doubts, despite my fear. I still don't deserve it. But I accept it. I accept His timing. His provision. What I love is that this check we're getting is big. It's going to help us get by another month or so...but it's not enough for everything. Not enough for bills AND the truck repair AND the pending doctor bill. And I know that's on purpose. Because God isn't through shaping my faith yet.

But today I know that Jesus is enough. And He'll provide next time.

I won't question again.


tonya said...

(((hugs))) betsy, my heart and prayers are with you. Although we can never truly know what someone else is going through i understand a lot of it because my fam is in a similar situation. I know how painul it is and spend many days only being able to cry. In fact, I've been having about four days of them.
Elisabeth Elliot once said "Sometimes all you can do is take the next step. So, take the next step, God will meet you there."
I know it doesn't seem like much but I am encouraged by your posts as you see miracles and strengthen your faith because that is an area I am struggling in as I"ve been facing all of these issues as well.

pinkdelyt said...

dear betsy

please know that we're almost on the same boat...i feel how you feel...i cry everyday too...thank God for listening to us tirelessly!!!!

Georgiana said...

I believe, help my unbelief is a great prayer. Not in your same situation, but I understand crying with every prayer, and wanting to believe but battling the doubt. You really are an example of faith! And the way you are sharing here with everyone is an encouragement to all.

Marla Taviano said...

Hi, Betsy. I'm (wife, mom, author) Marla. I can TOTALLY relate to your story about great need & God's provision. Just when I think I can't take it anymore, God keeps stepping in. Sigh. Prayed for you just now!

Catherine West said...

Hang in there, girl! God will provide for your family and He will give you strength to get through the lean times. And sometimes we DO need a good cry!! Been there done that. It doesn't change things, but it does make one feel a little better, it's actually a stress reliever, so cry away!!
Praying for you. xo